This week I read the words “you’ll be okay” and my eyes immediately filled with tears. I bottled in my feelings, took a quick frustrating thought of “I always have to be okay”, pushed those thoughts deep into my own self and moved to the next task.
The rest of the day filled with the anxiety of “will I actually be okay?”. How will I deal with these feelings when I don’t have distractions of being busy at work? What is my brain going to do to me when I get home? Did I do a good enough job burying my thoughts? What will I do if they are still there?
I don’t even know what I was “squashing”. When you have depressive thoughts/feelings that just take over without any warnings or explanation it is extremely frustrating and often leads to anxiety. I self-diagnose with high functioning anxiety. I’m still uncertain if this is a positive or a negative. Would I rather have coworkers, strangers around me know what’s going on or would I have them assume everything is a….”okay”.
But the fact is, I don’t want to be just “okay”. I’ve been forced to be okay, so many of us have. If you’ve had to be just “okay” to survive you’ll understand. “Okay” never means okay.
I wrote those words almost two weeks ago, planning on a blog post. But, I decided to “ditch it” for whatever reason and not share.
So why am I sharing now? I see myself and others close to me say words like “I’ll be fine” or “I’ll be okay”. A coworker and I actually joked around about how a default answer when people ask how you are is “fine” because otherwise you’d need a scheduled meeting in the other persons day to even be able to begin to tell them how you really are.
So the question is when do we stop being “fine” or “okay” and start being truly happy and living rather than surviving?
You are the only one who can choose to put yourself first.
You are the only one who can say enough is enough.
You are the only one who can say “no” instead of “yes” for the 10th, 100th, 1000th time.
You are the only one who truly knows if you are living or surviving.